WomenCo.

When I met my hushand at church, I thought he was a gift from God. One Monday morning after  we both attended church the previous day, we had a disagreement and he became violent and hit me across my face damaging my ear. I reported the matter to the police, and to our pastor.The police promised to visit our home, I am yet to see them.We received counceling at church, but still there was no trust and the relationship began to deteriorate. My husband who is self-employed  accused me of having a relationship with my boss, and began  degrading me as ambitionless in not opting to give up my 9-5 job  in order to work with him. I decided it was the it was time to make that decision as my daughter's happiness  resides with me. It was painful but it was for the best, I walked away from that marriage.

Daniela says ...

Elorraine,

Knowing when to walk away from abusive relationships, be they abusive physically, emotionally, or both, is so important. You are stronger for it, and I admire your courage. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

Indeed!

It's up to each woman to decide for herself when it's right to walk away, and you did very well.  You chose to do whatever you could to honour the commitment before you left.  Others might have decided to walk away the minute they were hit.  Still others do wait for years.  No one can judge for you when it's the right time.  You have to make that decision for yourself.  You made the right decision for your daughter, and you were very strong to do so.  Well done.

 Elorraine,

You have faced violence and chaos and have found within yourself the integrity and strength to remove yourself and your precious daughter from the insanity.  You are your own best friend and the best kind of mother.  And you have done your part in helping to change the destructive, misogynistic legacy of violence against women everywhere by teaching your daughter the importance of self-care.  Bravo!  I am proud to call you my friend.

Paula

Hi Everyone, I really appreciate all the concern. It's nice to know that they have people who really do care. In answer to a few of Your questions, I don't associate with My family. My children are bi-racial and My mother threw Me out at the age of 17. I do have 4 sons ages 32, 26, 25, and 22. My daughter is 23. My oldest son has been in the marines for 13 years. He is stationed in north carolina and does not know what is going on. My  26, and 25 year olds are both river boat pilots. My 22 year old works on the river but does not have His pilots license yet. He lives on months at a time. He is my wild child. He likes to party a lot and has been in jail a few times for drinking and fighting. If He knows any thing I am scared he will come home and get in trouble. My husband is not worth him going to jail for. And he has been doing so well at work, and right now he is in a custody battle with his ex girlfriend for rights to see his son. Besides his sons grand father is one of the big wigs out here and can and will have him locked up for what ever he can. Money talks. My 26 year old is a big teddy bear with a spoiled selfish wife who won't let him do any thing for any body. If he does something for me he has to sneak to do it,and i would rather not be the cause of his wife leaving him,because she would,and they have a 2 year old baby. Besides i don't want him to have to sneak to do any thing for me. My 25 year old lives right next door to me. I live in one of his mobile homes. He has 2 children and is also taking care of his wifes 16 and 15 year old brothers. My daughter has 3 children and she wouldn't be able to do much. My 25 and 26 year old don't know half of what goes on. I'm scared to tell them all the dirty names he calls me. I have not let any one hear the messages he has sent me. I know they would hurt him,and Like i said he is not worth going to jail. They both work 12 hour shifts so they are gone a lot. They work 5days,5 nights, and off 5 days. They have dangerous jobs and I am scared if they are worried they will get hurt at work. Or on the way to work, which is a hour away. I did tell them about the coffee table because they saw the knot on my head. I have only been married for 4 years. My husband is spainish. I moved to texas with him, but came back after 2 years when I started getting sick. He followed me back. But as soon as We got to texas the abuse started. He turned out to be very pedjudice. I never heard the end of it. I couldn't go in stores if there were going to be black people in there or watch tv if a black person were on it, so i never watced tv. When  we got married he didn't act this way. Then he made me stop my job. It wasn't much but i enjoyed it. I never bothered to get a education because I was scared to be around a lot of people. I mentioned getting My ged on line when He kicked the coffee table on Me. I love Animals, especially cats and I am crazy about persian cats and try to learn all I can about them on line. After My ged I wanted to take a class on small business management. I have a dream about opening a no kill shelter for cats and maybe down the line i would one day be able to breed and show the persian cats. Right now my 25 year old pays my bills and I know he is having a hard time doing it. I am not able to work and have applied for disability. I really can't tell them all the racial things he says to me, I am ashamed and it would really hurt thier feelings. They have had a hard time with this themselves growing up. I just wanted to hide for a little while untill all this stopped so I would not have to put my children in this. I try to sleep as much as I can during the day while my sons home, because I know I will be up all night. The reason I started coming to this website was to try to find out more about educating myself. I have been reading and checking it out now for months. I just got the nerve to join in. I am not very good on the computer yet and I did not want to look silly. I will use the phone numbers you all have provided and I really appreciate all the concern. I will call and see if they can help me.  I know this is a very long letter. I will try not to do it again. I just haven't talked to anybody in such a long time. And I am armed, I have a baseball bat and a cast iorn pipe.  Thanks every body for caring.

Hi, J.  Don't apologize.  I hope that you were able to call the hotline and get some local support numbers.  A local support group will be really helpful to you.  Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel?  Doctors are becoming more and more knowledgeable about different forms of abuse and the physical results of the stress that goes along with living with abuse.  The Women's Centre could also put you in touch with some counselling, which is really helpful when you're going through so much.  It helps to be able to get it all off of your chest.  These places deal with all sorts of situations, so you don't need to be ashamed to go there and talk to them.  They have seen and heard it all.  Just tell them what you're going through and how you feel, and they'll point you in the right direction.  You can also continue to come here, because we're all here for you. 

To my dear Janice:

 We are your friends and family on WomenCo, when you cry ,we cry with you; when you feel pain, we feel it with you.

When you need a shoulder to cry on we are here for you and remember we are always happy to hear from you.

Promise one thing, that you will fight with all that is within you in to get medical help IMMEDIATELY. You have  a right to life just like anyone else.

WE LOVE YOU LOTS, HUGS AND KISSES FROM US ,TO YOU OUR EXTRA SPECIAL SISTER AND FRIEND.

Elorraine says ...

When I met my hushand at church, I thought he was a gift from God. One Monday morning after  we both attended church the previous day, we had a disagreement and he became violent and hit me across my face damaging my ear. I reported the matter to the police, and to our pastor.The police promised to visit our home, I am yet to see them.We received counceling at church, but still there was no trust and the relationship began to deteriorate. My husband who is self-employed  accused me of having a relationship with my boss, and began  degrading me as ambitionless in not opting to give up my 9-5 job  in order to work with him. I decided it was the it was time to make that decision as my daughter's happiness  resides with me. It was painful but it was for the best, I walked away from that marriage.

 

My mother was married to an abusive man and I WISHED she would have done what you so bravely did...(and so rightly did!)  Your daughter will be so thankful when she is older (if she isn't already thankful now!)  I know am a big supporter of facilities that take in women who make this brave/needed transition to a safe house...it is NOT an easy move to make...but once they make it...I am there with money, support...I love to support this change in lives!  I have even organized hairdressers and clothes drives to support these women as they look for new skills/work.   YOU GO ELORRAINE!!!!!

I was with my husband for 7 years legally until I walked away. Actually i walked away more than a few times, but what caused me to take him back was the thought that We have a child together, we're married, I see his potential if he would just do right. BLAH BLAH BLAH

He was a manipulator. Emotional and Mentally. I swore I knew I was married to the devil. I knew deep inside myself that no man who loves you and cares about you would cheat on you, put their hands on you or make you feel less than a goddess.

That relationship taught me so much.

To ALL women out there, there are just some things we dont have to experience to know its not right. I advise my sistahs to speak with women who have gone through it and take heed. No man should be putting his hands on you for ANY REASON. We were created with the power to choose, so utilize that power and choose LIFE.

I am touched by the responces to this topic and I want to thank you all for your comments.  However I am feeling uneasy as one of the contributors, JMICHOT, had expressed some troubling abuses and I have not heard or seen any activity from her since that time.

Will you help me pray that she is safe and well ?

You make me feel very proud of your bravery in walking away from a life in hell.

I know it was not an easy decision to make, even moreso when children are involved.

Do'nt for a moment think that you have failed;  you are a winner for standing-up for your safety, sanity, health and your children.

WELL DONE !!!!!

Oh my good Lord !!!    Why did we marry these parasitic, no good, MAN-TOO ?

Guess what !!! We will be more financially better without those deadstock that call themselves man.   What? I miss typed , they are sperm donors.

Bravo, Sidney. It takes awhile to find balance after an abusive marriage, but emotionally you will be so much happier. One thing that I about WomenCo. is the openess and caring displayed by the posters. It is a very healthy environment for its members.

Hi jmichot:

It is good to hear you feel support here at WomenCo and I encourage you to reach out, and create a supportive network where you reside. Make the contact with community agencies and supportive community members in your area, and stop hiding.

You are aware of what the situation is, we (members at WomenCo) know what is taking place, and so who do you think you are hiding from? Admitting self failure is one thing, like a kid saying “I know…” and getting on the path and doing it the right way is another

It seems, from what I’ve read, that you are continuing in the behavior to build a façade and in being a victim. You have bright, intelligent kids (2 have pilot license) – stop protecting them from what they already instinctually know. They are adults, with adult responsibilities, have scene crime, life’s truth’s and this isn’t about the husband not being worth the trouble. It’s about you and the value you place on yourself, your life and what you have to offer.

Holy heck…

How much hell do you have to experience to grasp the idea that you are beautiful and unique just the way you are? You are only in competition with yourself and you are trying to harness that you have self worth, that you are loveable, that your worth is innate and not heightened or lowered by your poor actions and decisions.

You are 100% responsible for what has happened in your life and to your life, not your husband. You agreed to stay with him, agreed to be quiet, agreed to isolation - no contact/discussion with family and friends, and none of this equals you being less of a woman deserving less respect, less love or understanding.

Do you see? You are completing a repetitive behavior pattern that will guarantee you failure. Get out of the cycle.

You indicate if they (the kids) knew of your husband’s acts or words it would hurt their feelings; you are not a goddess and have no control over another’s feeling’s or emotions including the kids. And so you remain in hiding; who do you believe is safer?

The question becomes: “What do you hope to accomplish and is it working?”

What purpose does active avoiding the possibility your kids may walk up to you and say, “Mom what are you doing” serve? Avoiding the call to a domestic abuse hotline means avoiding the realization that you have failed you.

Your kids are already a part of this situation, by default. I mean the segregation, separation and anxiety you felt by your mother’s acts and the segregation, separation and anxiety your children felt growing up, is now amplified by your active choice to continue the segregation, separation of family members during a time of need.  

You indicate you are armed, is that a wise choice? Take a self defense class or a class on how to box, fight the way your instincts tell you to. If use your nails, teeth or the kitchen pan so be it. If you take someone to the ground and body slam them so be it. Do what is natural for you. Be careful with what you carry.

More then anything stop and think.

Consider your options, enjoy making decisions and accepting 100% responsibility. That is going to be a painful step for you emotionally.

If you are looking for love from him to find self worth, or that you have the capacity to achieve you ain’t ever going to find it. Cause it has been with you the entire time…(in hiding.)

So here we go...

Read out loud to yourself every night before you go to bed, cry if need be and do it. Hearing the words in your voice is powerful. And keep doing it until you can read with joy and confidence, no tears, where you define by your actions you have broken the cycle of being a victim.

And we are here, WomenCo members, cheering you on the whole way, tears and all, shame and all, love and all, with words of support and understanding. Because one way or another, through the lives of our friends, loves, family members we know the only way through challenging times, like this, is with the support of community members.

You don't get what you wish for, you get what you've got. Be proud, be strong, its going to be ok. Become your own advocate.