WomenCo.

I think in general,it's more important to first listen to someone completely and then give a reaction if you think your reaction is a must to the situation.Most often I come across people who are just not ready to hear you out completely,cause they just dont have the patience to or they just want to put across their point instantly without thinking of the effect it might have.This could be the case  in any sort of relationship not just restricted to husband and wife or parent and child.Everyone is entitled to having their own views and voicing them out but one should also be careful to understand when to voice them out so that your opinions and reactions  are noticed ,heard and are effective in bringing about a positive turn around.Sometimes you may have a friend /child/husband who is angry,upset or frustrated and might wanna just talk to you as a vent to let out his/her agony and in cases such as this,I feel one should first be a good listener and voice their opinion only when the person talking  has calmed down so that he/she would be more receptive and easily accepting to what you have to say/advice.Giving instant reactions especially in cases where you may be having something opposing to say could only make things worse.

Rasika, you hit on so many good points. What are your thoughts about those times when, particularly in marriage, despite an effort to hear what is going on with your partner or child--you react, redirecting the conversation back to you? I've written a post on this which you're welcome to read and respond to. I'd love to get anyone's feedback on it. For anyone interested, my blog post is located here: http://www.interpersonalexcellence.net/?p=16

Also, since I'm still rather new to WomenCo I'm not sure if this kind of posting is permissable. Guidance on that would be greatly appreciated too.

Hi Chris,

I did go through your blog and I think you have hit on some key points.I totally agree with you that  we should let go of our concerns for the moment and try to think from the speaker's perspective.I think it's wrong to be judgemental and drop to conclusions instantly without hearing  and understanding completely what the other person is trying to put across to you.A lot of times our  reactions are  triggered by 'what I think'  and 'what I feel is right' which  may be remote from what the person talking  thinks/feels.So each one gets caught up in putting accross their  own view points without trying to understand where the other person is comming from.We end up irritated and bitter,we make the person talking irritated  and bitter and as a result nothing gets resolved.

We should make an attempt to first look at things from the speaker's perspective.Think of why the speaker is talking to you,what does the  speaker expect out of out when he/she is discussing a certain issue with you,think of what you would do/feel if you were in the speaker's shoes,how would you want/ expect  the person to react if you were the person in question. If we can take a moment to just be patient and hear  and think things through completely ,we would then be able to rationalise on issues more effectively and positively.

I think in any sort of relationship,communication  is very important.We should feel free to discuss anything under the sun and sort things out.Yes it is difficult to not to react to your husband /child when an issue/problem is being discussed,major reason being that they are our closest relationships and we are emotional about them,we get affected by them.Most often we think that our instant reaction to them is natural because we are concerned/worried/care about them but  we forget that our impulsive and unthought reactions can put them off instantly aswell,it can make us an unaproachable entity to them.So next time around if there is something to discuss,they will not even think of opening up the topic with you cause they will be able to predict your reactions.This will only distance you from your husband /child.

One should bear in mind that when your spouse or child is talking to you,they are doing so because they share a comfort zone with you and see you as a vent as an anchor as a guiding light.So it is important to give them that liberty,trust and ear to hear things  out completely and advice/guide them when you feel it will be taken in the right spirit.

        "If we can take a moment to just be patient and hear..." 

 Patience...with ourself and others....it helps to slow things down a bit as you said Rasika. I do my best listening when I make a conscious effort to be more patient as others are trying to express themselves.

wonderful input - good info on listening.  I have a short attention span. Now I  have started stopping what I start to say mid stream and ask the person speaking to me to  repeat what they said that I  distracted - total honesty helps. Once they repeat I then try to answerin a respectful way. if I don't understand I try not to over react. Not everyone speaks the same english---one way of saying something canbe taken another way if a person doesn't stop and think first and not react.  Being less defensive is the answer and positive thinkingeven on a response. Negative thinking is running rampid.

Great insight and thoughts, Keona. I think each moment is a blessing and the next moment a gift, whereby expressing to another our time and attention is analogous to embracing kindness and compassion. Or rather simply staying grounded in the here and now, ‘seeing’ and ‘understanding’ another’s perspective while we display an open heart.

This is when I feel heard and understood, and I smile.