WomenCo.

Hi C25mart,

Same sex relations are just like opposite sex relations and looking for a perfect formula, for a perfect woman, for a life long match…quick path to trouble.

Two women (or 2 men, or a woman and a man) effectively working together personally and professionally demand you creating the space, time and energy with the expressed interest to make that a reality. Your guiding light…past relations. Hmm…yes, I know it’s hard and take a second look because whether they were successful or not is not relevant. What is however, is their reflection. What is your pattern of behavior, capacity and ability and willingness to be flexible in meeting another’s needs (their needs occasionally coming first), your ability to self love, honor and respect you, and your functional commitment to the relation and your SO?

There is no set of questions, rather a guideline with the answers to be discovered in the long, worth while process of getting to know one another day to day, every step of the way. I do not know of any “prescribed set” of guidelines either; I can only provide what I consider and for me a SO must be a friend first. Contemplation for more occurs after time (and a lot of time) with the active engagement in the discovery of who we are individually and together, plus or minus a few other items. Sounds intense…Yes, healthy relations demand your attention, activity, independence, support and understanding.  

And so what follows, is for me, a general guideline in finding a lasting friend or partner.

First is you loving yourself unconditionally, no matter what, then - whether it is verbally indicated or not, it is expressly understood by our actions that we both are precious people, everyone in the community matters (global or next door, no discrimination, acts of hurt), trust like respect is earned every step of the way and respect is given for all spoken and unspoken boundaries.

Guideline in consideration for more…I look to what I am trying to create in myself and what I admire in someone else. For example – I admire a partner that is intelligent, good with numbers/finance, well read, independent, expressive verbally and in writing, walk their talk, strong willed, determined, passionate, successful and above all has integrity in everything they do, say and act upon.

Can I figure out all of this in 3 months, or a year? Absolutely not. Sounds like a lot? Absolutely. What the aforementioned demands is my attention and commitment to my self coupled with the knowledge of what I have to offer another in a mutual, beneficial exchange of intimacy.

I do not know if I answered your questions and this is not advice, it is information. It seems from what I’ve read you are still searching for you, or rather looking to define who you are. If that is the case, don’t rush the self exploration process…time is your friend.

All the best.

Yes, well said KJ! 

I have been with my partner 5 years this December.  We have had our ups and downs, but I think what has kept us together is friendship.  We are friends above anything else.  A few other things that I have learned:

Communication - be honest with yourself and your partner

Compassion - "This isn't a big deal to me, but how did it make my partner feel?"

Forgiveness - holding grudges is the quickest way to end that friendship, and that partnership

Unconditional love - first for yourself, because you cannot have that trust and love for another if you don't trust and love yourself.  Secondly for them.  They are human, they make mistakes...can you love them through or despite that?

Now, if you're wondering how to find that person?  I can't help you there.  I went through too many bad relationships (including a marriage to an incredibly abusive man) before I happened to walk out on break at my new job, thinking I was going to have a smoke and ending up losing my heart.  While it has not been a fairy tale, it has definately been an interesting story!

Good luck to you!