8 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Co-Worker

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8 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Co-Worker

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8 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Co-Worker

Featured Author:

Jill Hare

Jill Hare is the editor of TheApple.com. Once recognized as an elementary school teacher of the year, Jill took the plunge into the corporate world and hasn’t looked back. The biggest job to come is motherhood: due in June 2008. Jill is a musician, volunteer, pet-lover, and child advocate. Jill writes about her exciting leap into motherhood—and her upcoming role as a working mom.

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Until getting pregnant, I would have told you that women in general are much friendlier and more socially polite than men in the workplace. This is something I used to appreciate. No, I didn’t do an official study on this, it’s just something I’ve noticed. Women, in general, tend to pay more attention to the details, ask polite questions, and be complimentary. Men, in the work place environment, can be all business. After being pregnant, I’ve come to appreciate this all-business attitude.

If you’re a career woman who’s pregnant, I’d like to take this opportunity to charge with you something: educating women on how to talk to women who are pregnant. Is this necessary? Absolutely. Let me tell you all about it.

I’m 35 weeks pregnant. Technically, there are five more weeks until I’m due. I cannot bump into anyone (pun intended) without them commenting on the size of my belly. Do men make these comments? No. (As my husband says, men only look at pregnant women to figure out if they’d be hot if they weren’t pregnant. Ha.) Women, on the other hand, make the most outrageous comments. Smart, intelligent, polite businesswomen can say the meanest and stupidest things. Such as, “Wow, you’re huge.” Last time I checked, telling someone they were “huge” was a “huge” no-no.

As an educator by trade, it’s my goal in these last few weeks of pregnancy to teach females how to interact with a woman and her protruding belly. They are the same courtesies we should extend to everyone. I encourage you to help teach younger women- older woman may need a brush up on what’s kosher these days:

1. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

2. Under no circumstances should you say to a pregnant woman that she is “big,” “huge,” or heaven forbid “enormous.” If it’s meant to be complimentary, make sure it’s a compliment. If you wouldn’t say it to someone who wasn’t pregnant, most likely, it’s not appropriate.

3. Never EVER ask a woman if she’s pregnant if she hasn’t told you directly or someone close to you. There’s not a place on the planet you could go far enough where a woman who’s is not pregnant will forgive or forget you. It’ll make her stare in the mirror for hours and possibly starve in the future to avoid comments about her not-so-pregnant belly.

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des_wildflower

2 months ago

8 comments

JD, I think u said it best! I found out I was pregnant two months ago and I still left the Army(it was my time to get out on honorable discharge). I am in the National Guard now, and am currently looking for employement. My husband is in the Army, but we simply cannot live on his paycheck alone. I suppose, mrsmontes, that i should terminate this pregnancy, according to you, of course, simple because we can't support ourselves on one paycheck? That, according to you, i should terminate, just to be in the work place??? So it's one or the other. I don't know about you, but it took me a long time(not nine years, tho!) to get pregnant, and I don't plan on losing this baby. EVER. It just so happens we need another paycheck to keep us on our feet. Maybe some women can't take the pressures of having a family and a career, but I can tell you I certainly am up to it. My husband is a child himself. When I did go to work, I woke up at five o'clock to get ready for physical training, came home at eight, and then after my shower and breakfast(I always have to feed my husband too, he can't boil a pot of water without burning it, when he can figure out to turn on the stove)then my work day started. Making lunch for the both of us at lunch time, and coming home after a hard day of work(I wasn't the kind of woman who was in the Army pushing paper)come home most days after six p.m., clean the house, make dinner, and entertain my husband. And as a lot of women know, sometimes all of that at once. More and more women are balancing family and careers, and doing a damned good job at it. Of course I'm not going to be working when the baby is born. But I'm doing what has to be done in the mean time to keep us stable. And when the baby is born, I will happen to be doing college on-line. Am I not to pursue a higher education now because I'm starting a family? I suppsose you're going to tell me it's my fault for not getting it done before I thought about a family? That I'm not SUPPOSED to have both? Or is it ok, because I'll be at home with the baby? Does that get your approval? Maybe ppl like you need to go back to the 18th century, or become educated on today's society, where women are becoming empowered at the workplace, AND being supermom at home.
214JD

3 months ago

4 comments

mrsmontes, this isn't 1953. Women have fought long and hard to get where they are today! And I'll be damned if I'm looked at as just a mom or just a wife. I have a name, it's Angie, I'm 32, I can think for myself, I vote, I know how to put gas in my Jeep, I know how to change a flat tire, I know how to change the oil, hell I take the garbage out. Gasp! I made the CHOICE to stay home with my daughter. But if something were to happen to my husband and I had to go to work, I would. It would be to take care of my family, a very unselfish motive if you ask me, and 99% of the women population. Taking care of a family, by any means, whether it's staying home or working, is just that, TAKING CARE OF A FAMILY. Again, many can't afford to stay home, and feel guilty for it. But many can't stomach living off welfare and being in the system for the sake of someone telling them they have to stay home. I agree, we need to take care of our kids, we need to be sure they're safe, taken care of...and one way for all that is for the parents to work. Next you'll be saying I need to greet my husband at the door with a martini and a smile on my made up face and my hair all fixed up proper with a big old cheesy grin, and a "hello, honey!" And from what I gather from your comments mrsmontes is this...if a mother, nevermind a father too, can't afford for mom to stay home they shouldn't have kids?! That's rather stupid and ignorant. Okay, so let me ask you this a family is well off, deserving, according to you, to have a kid, but now mom has to quit her job and stay home, dropping their income. Now they live beyond their means, so now they shouldn't have had that child, because they can't afford it. Wait! What?! I think everyone, no matter their income, should be able to have the joy and pleasure of raising their family. This is America, where we have choices, as citizens and women!!!! These choices moms make are because of men and women who have fought long and hard, and have given their lives for this freedom. I have the choice to stay home or go to work because my husband puts on his uniform every single day and goes to work for the United States Army. And I'll be damned if I just sit by and let someone say that his 6 day work week and time away from his daughter is for nothing! You have your opinion mrsmontes, but maybe you should think about what you say and how you say it. I'm sure, as I said the other day, moms who work outside of the home, by choice or not, feel guilty every single day. I know when I leave my daughter for even a couple hours, I feel bad. Heaven forbid I tell you I left her for 6 hours so I could sit and wait to get a good spot in line for the Nine Inch Nails concert. Gasp, I did something for myself! I should be burned at the stake. I am a mom, but being a mom does not define me! I am a wife, but that does not define me. So to all those hard working, at-home or not, moms out there, keep up the good work and keep doing what you need to for you and for your family!!!
Dana_B

3 months ago

62 comments

Mrs. Montes, what happens, when the father (or mother for that matter) leaves, taking little or no responsibility for the child? What if one of the parents becomes severely ill, is injured, or worse, dies? What should be done them? Should the child then be given up for adoption in our already crowded and screwed up system for the sake of mom (or dad) being home 24-7 and living off of the goverment, or worse, in extreme poverty?? You are making these broad statements w/out thinking. Clearly, you've never gone through or seen anyone go through the above circumstances. Still, most people - regardless of past experience - have a level of compassion and understanding that is a VITAL part of GOOD character. You, unfortunately, don't have this. It's sad and angering knowing that there are other ignorant people like you in this world. You are in the wrong place if you think you'll ever prove your point.
Sadiesmom

3 months ago

10 comments

Wow... reading these comments... no wonder women make 70 cents to a man's dollar. Pick a career or motherhood? Is this 1980? Do I have to wear a suit with shoulderpads and act like a man in the worksplace to get some respect. In my experience, I've learned that women can be women's worst enemy. I'm smart, capable and ready to work. And I have a 14 month old daughter. My husband is a working-from-home dad to our little girl. I think it is time to ditch the stereotypes about working mothers. I'm smart, capable and driven... and I'm a mother. What a concept. Being pregnant is an incredible challenge, and so is being a parent. I'm a better manager because of my parenting experience. Jill, good luck in this new phase of your life, and I'm sure you look wonderful!
mrsmontes

3 months ago

4 comments

My point exactly if you can't afford to be a full time mother,simply don't be one, it's selfish! It is sad but true in these days children need constant protection, loving ,and learning! I would never trust my child's future to a stranger,( babysitter,church, preschool,etc.) Having a child is a commitment and a sarcrifice and also an act of love that is taken so lightly by women.There is such a hurrah for life and no life quality! You can be the best mother or the best in business, but you can't expect to be your best at both!Mothers of fatherless children (those whose impregnating fathers fail to parent) have made a selfishly dreamy mistake that only proves they're lack of thought,reasoning and life management skills! I would not hire someone so irresponsible!
Dana_B

3 months ago

62 comments

Thanks JD. Of course there are many of us, if given the option, we'd stay home or even work part-time. But many of us simply can't afford to do that. I don't have to and I don't want to live off of the government. I want to provide for and take care of my family myself. At this time, if I don't focus on my career as well as my children - the stability of my children's future could be dim. I 'm willing to work 40-45 hour weeks in the corp. world, to be exhausted, to constantly multi-task, to make sure my children are happy, ESPECIALLY if it means feeding and clothing my children and preparing them for a stable, bright future.
214JD

3 months ago

4 comments

Mrs. Montes, Some women are single moms, so they don't have the option of staying home. Other families are just starting out, and can't afford for mom to stay home. And where was the suggestion of dad staying home, if there were the possibility of a parent staying home. It takes both parents to parent, so maybe dad could step up and help in the job department. I choose to stay home and raise my daughter myself. It's not for anything but the fact it took me 9 years to get pregnant, we almost lost her during my pregnancy and after she was born, and now that she's 3, I'm glad I made the choice I made. Unfortunately, not all moms can make that choice and they don't need people like you running around telling them how to parent. It's almost as bad as those telling parents to put a hat on their child. I'm sure these moms AND dads feel guilty enough not to be able to spend more time with their children, that they don't need people like you to remind them. And don't forget, it's their choice, not yours. It's not your place to judge anyone. You make your choices, and I'm sure people have questioned you, and I'm sure it made you unhappy. So think of that next time before you push your opinion on others. It's one thing to share an opinion, but you went overboard.
Dana_B

3 months ago

62 comments

Oh Mrs. Montes, so so negative, rude and unprofessional. If there were no working moms the future for our country would be alot worse off!! It's a balancing act, and something that in many cases must be done - even WITH husbands in the picture! Anyway, Jill I understand where you're coming from to an extent. I didn't mind the belly comments, which were mostly "You're ALL belly!". One of my good friends told me my butt had grown, big fat THANKS, that added a negative vibe to my mood and to this day that comment irks me!! Another thing I hate is that ppl are more likely to invade your personal space and/or touch you. Just cause we're preg. doesn't mean we're now okay with being rubbed on by random strangers or anyone for that matter!
bjsjzsims

3 months ago

2 comments

I think most people who comment about pregnant lady mean good in their heart, though going into your ear it may change its tones... They don't mean to hurt your feeling or to be mean. You are too Self-conscious !
4everjoyful

3 months ago

2 comments

WOW I'm surprised by the lack of support here. As a mom of 2 AND a fulltime professional there is room for both in the workplace. Though I don't have expectations of becoming a CEO some day , I am an extremely productive Director and have a lot to provide to my clients and the business world. I am also setting a fantastic example for my children who understand that mommy has a brain and uses it to help the family stay financially stable. I have actually become more productive since having children. I value my time with them and really enjoy being a mom...however work is an important part of my life as well. It disappoints me to see some of the responses here. Jill congratulations! great article, keep us posted. Laura
PainterLady

3 months ago

2 comments

I hope you are feeling better after the baby is born. Pregnant women are beautiful. Big bellied and beautiful and there is no getting around that. We other women are excited for you (well I am) and we are trying to be supportive and upbeat, but remember that the hormones may be clouding your responses to our well intentioned comments. Now is the time to make like a duck and let it all roll off of your back like water. >>HUGS<< Best wishes!
mrsmontes

3 months ago

4 comments

pregos at work is counter production!!!!!!! Women need to grow up and decide if they want a career or a family. I'm disgusted that out of sheer selfishness and stupidity women think they can have both! Women will never be taken seriously as a group if they continue this cow mentality!!!! How about a article explaining life and career management,and tell mommy not to bring her lack of commitment, lack of time, lack of energy,raging hormones, baby photos, time off requests,early outs,custody days off,and baby talk the hell out of corperate America. Maureen Montes
JobSearchCoach

3 months ago

16 comments

You are right, Jill. Women often take the liberty to make many of the statements above, without giving any consideration to how they would feel if someone made that statement to them.